Heavenly Inspiration

The Proposal

His hand felt natural in mine. I mean, it should. After knowing him for four years and dating for three, we were so in sync that it sometimes confused me when we weren’t together. We had met freshman year of college and become really close. He was one of those friends who you could tell anything to and know he wouldn’t judge you for it. He had asked me out the summer before sophomore year, and the next few years were so much fun. Obviously, we had our fair share of spats; the usual not spending enough time together, flirting with other people, that sort of thing. But throughout it all, we had stayed together. But, as it was nearing the end of first semester of senior year, I started to worry.

What was going to happen to us after college? I didn’t even know for sure what I wanted to do. The past few weeks he had grown distant. We spent time together and talked, but there was something odd. As much as I hated to admit it, I knew he was going to break up with me.

I had gotten ready for our date anxiously. I put on a simple black dress that had long sleeves and a tight pencil skirt that hit an inch above my knee and paired it with a pair of cobalt blue heels. I did my makeup and hair, hoping that it wouldn’t look like I was trying too hard. The knock came at my door and I grabbed my black trench coat and purse and went out my door to meet him.

As we walked down the road to his car, he took my hand. I loved holding his hand. It felt warm and strong and it made me feel safe.

“You look really nice tonight,” he said, not meeting my eyes. I cringed and looked at the ground.

“Thanks. You do, too.” I cast a furtive look at him. He really did look nice. He was wearing black pants, a black dress shirt, a bright blue bow tie, and a black suit jacket. I loved it when he wore bow ties, especially brightly colored ones. The combination of blue and black made his blue eyes pop. I looked back at the ground.

We reached his car and he opened my door, helping me in before closing the door behind me. He walked around the car and got into the driver’s seat. He turned the car on and pulled onto the street. We rode in silence for a few minutes before I turned the radio on and sang along. I never looked at him directly, but I kept stealing glances from the passenger seat. A smile played on his lips as I belted out song after song. After twenty minutes, I was starting to wonder.

“So, where are we going?” I asked.

“It’s, uh, it’s a surprise,” he said, not meeting my gaze.

My face fell. I rolled my eyes and turned to look out the window. We had gone into town and were nearing one of my favorite restaurants. He pulled into a space and turned the car off. He got out and walked around to get my door. He offered me his hand. I took it and stepped out of his car. He was always such a gentleman. He offered me his arm and I slipped my hand through his arm. We walked into the restaurant together.

After being seated, a waiter came to take our drink orders. We sat in silence, sipping ice water. His blue eyes were boring into mine. For the first time all night, a smile graced his face. His strong jaw, hidden beneath black stubble, tensed with the smile. I smiled back; I couldn’t help it. He had one of those infectious smiles.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” I said, slightly taken aback.

“You are amazing. You’re sweet, funny, kind, talented, gorgeous, and I love being with you. I don’t know what we’re going to be doing after we graduate, but I do know one thing I want in my life.”

“That’s not a question. You’re forcing me to ask when you say that,” I said, sassily. He rolled his eyes.

“It’s you. I want you to be in my life. Just…not as my girlfriend.”

My eyes widened and I gasped. A cloud of fog seemed to have fallen over my brain. I couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t speak. I could barely hear what he said next.

“I want you to be my wife.”

The cloud lifted. I looked at him in shock. He smiled before getting out of his chair and going down on one knee. He pulled a small box out of his pocket.

“Will you marry me?”

Rae and Danny

“What happened?”

I was upset and the way I deal with it is taking out my pocket knife and cutting myself.

“Oh, I had my cat on my lap and he scratched my legs.”

I’ve gotten really good at hiding things. For most people, that wouldn’t be a good thing. But for me, I keep myself from burdening people with my problems. But everyone needs that one person they can talk to who will always make them feel better.

For me? That person is Danny.

He can always tell when I’m upset. When we’re with a group of people and I’m feeling down, he gives me a look full of genuine worry and care. He’ll then put his arm around me or take my hand or even just put his hand on my back so that I know he’s there for me.

“Are you feeling okay?” Danny asked. We were in Tyler’s dorm room, watching him play video games with some other people from our hall. I was sitting on the floor, my zebra print blanket wrapped around me for both warmth and comfort. I shrugged in response to his question. He moved so that he was sitting behind me, and started rubbing my back. It was at that point that he realized I was shaking, not vigorously enough for people to see, but enough that he could feel it when he put his hands on my back.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he whispered into my ear. I shrugged again; my go-to response for those times that I’m upset but don’t want to make a scene. He patted my back and pulled me up before leading me out of the room and down the hall, back to my dorm room.

I immediately fell onto my bed, face down. I heard Danny close and lock the door behind us. Tears were burning my eyes, and as soon as I felt Danny’s hand on my back, I lost it. I started sobbing.

“What’s wrong?” I didn’t respond to Danny’s question. He let me cry for a minute longer before continuing. “Did you have a bad day? Did something happen? Or are you just feeling down?”

“Nothing happened. Nothing ever does. I wish something bad happened. Then at least I’d have an excuse to feel like this. But instead, I just have to feel like shit for no good reason.”

“I’m sorry. Why didn’t you talk to me earlier?”

“You were playing video games. I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Raven, nothing is ever going to be as important as you. I don’t care what I’m doing. Whenever you’re feeling down, text me or come get me. Talk to me. I want to help you.”

“I just don’t want to be a burden to you…”

“You won’t be! Look, I’m not the kind of guy who’s going to refuse to help someone because of a stupid video game.”

“Yeah, well, guess what kind of girl I am?” I said, and pulled a pair of scissors out from under my pillow. Danny gasped; I had relapsed earlier, and now he knew it.

“Rae…” he breathed, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. He took the scissors from my hand and put them down on my desk. I felt Danny climb into my bed and wrap his arms around me. I started shaking. I was trying not to cry, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Tears streamed down my face. The more I cried, the tighter Danny held me to his chest.

“I’m sorry,” I started, gasping for air.

“Don’t apologize!”

“No, I need to. I know I told you I was gonna stop, and I really did try, but tonight I just…couldn’t stop myself. And I know you said that I could always talk to you, but you were with the guys and I didn’t want you to worry. I thought I would be able to handle myself without cutting, but…it didn’t turn out like I planned. I’m sorry I hurt myself, I’m sorry you didn’t know how crazy I was before we started dating—”

“You aren’t crazy!”

“Fine. Emotionally unstable, then. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the fact that I can’t stop hurting myself.”

I rolled over so that I was facing him and buried my face into Danny’s chest.

“Can I ask you something?” Danny pulled my face away from his chest and made me look up at him. I nodded tearfully. “Are you happy with me?”

I pulled away from Danny, shocked. In that moment, the worst possible scenarios started running through my head: he was going to tell me I was being stupid, he was going to tell me I had to stop, or, worse yet, he was going to break up with me.

“Yes,” I breathed.

“Then listen to me. You need to know that you can talk to me whenever. I want to help you.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you always need to drop everything for me. You have a life.”

“Yeah, and you’re a part of it.”

“I’m not the only part,” I said, looking away from him. I started absentmindedly playing with his shirt sleeve and stroking his arm.

“You’re a pretty big part. You’re amazing: you’re funny, and sweet, and generous, and you take care of people, and you’re gorgeous. I don’t ever want to hear you say otherwise. I also don’t want to lose you. What’s going to happen if something happens to you? If you cut too deep and…” he trailed off.

“Bleed out?” I finished, still not meeting his eyes. I heard the air catch in his throat.

“Yeah,” he said, his voice breaking. He inhaled shakily. “I just…as your boyfriend, I feel like it’s my job to take care of you and when you cut yourself, I feel like I’m failing.”

I smiled and looked at him.

“You have no idea how much I love hearing you say that.” Danny looked confused, but glad that I was no longer sad.

“Say what?”

“That you’re my boyfriend. I love it when you call me yours. I also love being able to call you mine.”

“Really?” Danny’s blue eyes lit up and I could tell he was genuinely pleased at what I had said.

“Okay,” I said, sitting up on my bed and leaning against the wall. He followed suit, a smile still playing on his mouth. “Honesty time with Rae: I’ve had a crush on you since the beginning of the year.”

“Really?” he said again. His voice cracked with excitement.

“Yeah! I thought you were super cute,” I said in a joking tone, but meaning every word. There was a pause while we just smiled at each other.

“Well I thought that you were out of my league,” Danny said, looking deep into my chocolate brown eyes.

“You did?” I asked, taken aback. Danny rolled his eyes.

“Yeah. You were really funny and cool and, okay, yeah, hot, and, to be honest, I thought you had a thing for someone else. And then we hung out more and I thought you might be flirting so…I went for it. And we became make out buddies and…now here we are.” I smiled broadly before wrapping my arms around his neck to kiss him.

Andy Sixx - Get Dressed

“Elle? Gabrielle?! Oh, god, please wake up!” I opened my eyes to find my boyfriend, Andy, staring down at me, his blue eyes full of concern. I tried to sit up, but a stabbing pain in my head made me gasp and lie back down. I clutched my head, wincing at the pain movement had brought on. My eyes focused on my arms, held in front of my head. I noticed red on my arms.

“Shit…” I said, and I slowly let go of my head to look more closely at my arms. There were fresh cuts on both of my arms, joining the multitudes of scars in different stages of healing. Trails of dried blood flowed down my forearms to the tips of my fingers. I sat up, slowly, being careful not to make sudden movements that might make my head hurt again. I moved the covers off of my body so that I could see my legs. I had fallen asleep in my bra and underwear, so I could clearly see that there were more cuts and dried blood on my thighs and hips. I sat, staring at my legs.

“Ellie?” Andy’s voice made me look up. I had forgotten he was there. His hair was undone, he hadn’t put any make up on, and I could tell that he had picked up the first thing he had found on the floor of his room, black skinny jeans and a gray sweatshirt. I couldn’t meet his gaze, so I looked at my nightstand where my phone lay, a light flashing to let me know I had a notification.

Or eighteen, as it turned out. I had five missed calls and thirteen texts, all from Andy. The first text was from ten thirty in the morning and was a simple good morning text. Those grew progressively worse to the last one, from fifteen minutes ago, which read “holy hell what the fuck happened? Are you okay?? I’m coming over now!” I put my phone down and folded my hands in my lap, still not looking at Andy. I shivered, partly because I was cold, and partly because I didn’t know what to make of the situation.

I heard Andy sigh and I looked up. He took my hand and helped me stand up slowly. He led me to my bathroom where he made me sit down on the side of the bathtub. He turned the water on and we waited in silence for the water to heat up. He got out a first aid kit and a washcloth. When the water had grown warm, Andy put the washcloth under the stream. He gently started wiping at the cuts on my thighs and hips, removing the dried blood, before gingerly taking my right hand and carefully dabbing at the cuts. When he had gotten all of the blood off of my skin, he rinsed the washcloth so that it was clean. He squeezed out as much water as he could before picking up a bottle of rubbing alcohol. He unscrewed the cap and poured some of the alcohol onto the cloth. He put one hand firmly on my left leg before applying the damp fabric to my leg. I gasped and jumped, the alcohol stinging my cuts. He held me in place with one hand and cleaned my legs and hips with the other. He then took my hand in his. I tried to pull away, but he held me tightly. I whimpered, and I saw a look of pain cross his face before he held the alcohol-soaked cloth to my wrist.

I couldn’t hold it in. I yelped in pain, trying to jerk my hand out of his. Tears started streaming down my face. Andy let go of my hand and quickly grabbed the other one, repeating the process. I was bawling at this point, a mixture of pain and leftover emotions from the night before flooding my mind. Andy tossed the washcloth into the bathtub before taking a tube of Neosporin and some cotton balls out of the first aid box. He slowly started applying the ointment to my cuts while I cried. Once he had finished that, he covered the areas with gauze and secured it using medical tape. I was still crying, a silent sobbing that shook my entire frame.

Andy took off his sweatshirt and put it on me, then picked me up and carried me back to my bed. He put me down before crawling in next to me. I curled up next to him, my head on his chest, my arm around his waist. He held me close.

“Sweetie, what happened?” Andy asked, his voice low and soothing.

“I didn’t know what to do. You were at rehearsal so I couldn’t talk to you. I couldn’t handle it. I’m so, so sorry. I know I promised I wouldn’t do this anymore but I was so upset and I…” my words became unintelligible as my breathing quickened.

“Shh…Why were you upset?”

“The audition fell through. I didn’t get the part. And on top of that, my mom called and told me that they got a dog and he’s sooo cute and they actually got him a few months ago but she just forgot to call.”

“I’m sorry, babe, that really sucks. I know how badly you wanted that part. And that was rude on your mom’s part. She knows how much you love animals. But I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it. And if they didn’t cast you, they just don’t know what they’re missing, because you’re an amazing actress and singer! Just keep practicing. You’ll get there eventually.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I stopped crying and was just resting against Andy’s body.

“Are you feeling any better?” he asked me. I wiped my eyes and looked up at him. I nodded and smiled.

“Thanks for everything. You take such good care of me. How did you know something was wrong?”

“Because you’re usually up by eleven. You weren’t responding to my texts or calls. Once it hit two, I knew something was up.” I looked at the clock sitting on my nightstand. It was now three thirty in the afternoon. I winced at my wasted day. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. Still a little sore, and I still have a little headache, but that will go away soon enough. I should probably get up, eat something, and do something to distract myself.”

“I have an idea, but it’s a surprise.” I sighed.

“Andy, you know how much I hate surprises…”

“Yeah, but this one’s gonna be good. I think you’ll like this surprise.” Andy grinned. How was I supposed to refuse him when he seemed so excited?

“Okay, you win,” I groaned. He beamed.

“Get dressed.”